Draft
Human and animal life to the CAFO system is considered expendable in my opinion. This is easily observed through the ways they treat humans and animals. Animals are treated as objects instead of beings; they torture the animals from birth to death with mutilation and starvation. Animals aren’t the only one who suffers from this CAFO operation humans and the environment as so suffers as well. This organization is set up in a way that no one matter only money matters.
Consumers are constantly at risk with the CAFO system we are exposed to deadly disease like E.Coli and countless other diseases they breed at these factories. They factories try to minimize the toxic food threat to humans by loading the meat up with all types of chemicals. The chemicals stop the short term issue of deadly diseases but they rarely warn people of the future threat from the consumption of these chemicals.
Destruction to the environment from the CAFO system is devastating.
I really like your ideas in this blog, I am sure you can make them into longer paragraphs. My very favorite part, something I neglected to think about was the chemicals that they add to the meat (if you don't mind I would like to use that in my essay as well), this is a fantastic idea that can be a paragraph all on it's own. Also the last sentence in your first paragraph leaves me sort of wanting more information, which is both good and bad. I think your topic sentence which seems to be your thesis, is a bit exclusive. You add the environment part at the end and I don't know how that fits with your thesis. Also make sure you can transition from the idea of human and animal cruelty and consumer risk seamlessly. That's about all the suggestions I have, just check over the spelling and make sure the sentences make sense, otherwise I am sure this will be a very good addition to any essay you want to revise, if not a good essay starter on it's own.
ReplyDeleteKeywords: Expendable, Destruction, perhaps you can use "desensitize" for the CAFO farms...?
ReplyDeleteI think maybe your thesis can be made a bit longer by adding the bits from other sentences and then explaining more on it, for example:
"Human and animal life are considered expendable to the CAFO system, this is easily observed through the ways they treat workers and consumers, animals, and the environment." And then why they are treated this way (i.e. the money?). Then you can expand in further paragraphs. Since these are four ideas you can do maybe 1/2 a page for each (without the intro), focusing only on main points and it'll be the perfect length. =]